Blog Post: Pushed Into Who I’m Not

I feel like I don’t fit anywhere anymore, and nothing works ‘right’? And, I’m questioning everything! Have you ever been here?

I told a couple of friends yesterday I feel as if I’ve been pushed into who I’m not. Do you know what I mean? I feel as if the world (and my own emotions) have been trying to convince me I’m something I’m not. Does that resonate with you today?

I deal with severe depression. Have my entire adult life. It’s a battle with which I wrestle—a lot. A few years ago, after I lost a good friend unexpectedly, I began experiencing anxiety, too. [I must say if you deal with these struggles also, find help. Talk to your doctor, a counselor, your pastor – find somebody to help you wade through it!]

The last few years for me have been hard on so many levels … all at the same time! 2020 just compounded what had started as a downward spiral late in 2017.

I told a friend recently that I felt as if I’ve become an extroverted introvert over the past few years. If you know me at all, you know I’m not an introvert. I get energy from being with people and through teaching or sharing in a group. Yet, the last couple of years, the depression has been oppressive and heavy, leaving me in tears and unable to even interact or function many more days than I want to admit. I’ve become withdrawn, only interact when I must and I just don’t deal with stuff – which leads to feeling isolated and disconnected. It’s a nasty cycle.

On top of that, I’m in a season of re-establishing who I am as we move through the youngest graduating high school this year. My time as primary care-giver, boo-boo kisser and personal-uber driver has quickly come and gone. This transition is more challenging than I thought it would be, but every change is hard. They have to be to show us our strength doesn’t begin or end with us. That we are solely dependent on Someone outside of ourselves.

Maybe your transition season is moving through graduation, or you’ve become a working professional; perhaps you’re a new wife or new mom. Or, maybe, you’re changing careers mid-life or, like me, moving out of the primary care-giver scene.

I don’t know about you, but I have a tendency to be emotionally attached and focused on whatever is the most pressing in my life, school, career, spouse, kids, finances. Since my ‘kids’ [I say that loosely as I have 2 in their 20s and the youngest is almost 18 lol] have been the most pressing thing in my life the last 21 years, they were my focus. Now, they don’t need me as much. And, I’ve been lost, wading through the muck of finding out who I am now .. and who I’m supposed to be next.

When I think about seasons of change, idols and identity come to mind. We can [and often do] make idols out of whatever is pressing in … because it has our focus and our energy. So much importance is placed on what we do and not near enough on Whose we are.

Are you listening to the world as they try to push you into who you aren’t or resting in Whose are you?

I’ve been encouraged this week by Zephaniah 3:17 for a few different reasons. It says, “The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”

I want to encourage you that your God who saves you is with you and takes great delight in you! He is rejoicing over you as He gives you strength, as He guides you to figure out who you are and as He carries you through the chaos of what’s pressing in on you.

Friend, rest in the knowledge that my identity (and yours) isn’t in whatever is pressing in on us, trying to force us into who we aren’t. It is in Who is flowing out of us.